XaXa Loves Charlotte's Web
by Liuid
Summary: Meant to be a troll story, but eventually took a life of its own. Takes place in SAO. Apparently XaXa has a fondness for Charlotte's Web and other cute things. He's still a Pker though. Thinking that SAO is all about cliches, he assumes the girl he meets will fall in love with him immediately. Unfortunately, Xaxa isn't Kirito, and the girl really seems to want him dead


**Takes place during SAO**

 **Oh god this was meant to be part of my "SAO Memes" but uh… well, the story took me in a direction of its own. Hmm.**

On Laughing Coffin's Home Dynamics

XaXa hated Mrgrlgrlgrlgrl, Laughing Coffin's resident home. It was a hole in the wall, literally, since it was a cave and all. Not only was it hard to pronunce, it was far too dark and edgy for his taste, it smelled, and contained so many twists and turns that XaXa had gotten lost numerous times.

Like, yeah, they were supposed to be a group of hardened killers who murdered for pleasure and all, but their home didn't have to be so reflecting of that. Sure, having a dark and edgy home might have stuck to the theme of "evil dudes" and probably was convenient for the writer of SAO to show how terrible Laughing Coffin was, but it was awfully inconvenient. Seriously. All they did was sit on stone thrones and come up with evil plots. And science even proved that a comfortable seat helps you think better.

XaXa wasn't even sure who came up with idea in the first place to locate their base in the middle of nowhere in a stupid cave. Why couldn't they have chosen somewhere like the top of a mountain or maybe even in a more aesthetically appealing cave. Maybe in a brightly lit mineshaft, with minerals and crystals sparkingling all over the place. But noooooooooooooo.

Most people in Laughing Coffin also hated the base too, for similar reasons. But Mrgrlgrlgrlgrl, once chosen, had to remain their home. Otherwise, the low-IQ anime viewers would be confused if Laughing Coffin moved their based without an evil motive. So for the sake of consistency, they had to keep their base there.

But if most people didn't like the base, how the heck did it get adopted? For god's sake, they had a direct democracy where everyone voted directly for a law! There should have been no reason that a stupid decision like that was made. But oh well. Life is hard and painful. XaXa would have to deal with this pain.

He sighed, exiting the cave, letting his eyes adjust for a moment. He headed over to one of the monster grinding spots that was relatively unknown, but provided a good EXP boost. It was a community site shared by Laughing Coffin's members, and they had a sign-up sheet to determine the order of who got to go when. There wasn't a limit on how often you could sign up, rather it was based on mutual trust that no one would abuse the system. People in Laughing Coffin were generally good at that.

XaXa unsheathed his Est Estoc (literally translated as "It is an estoc"), admiring the way the silver glistened in the sun, before turning to face the numerous pigs that started spawning. These weren't the cute farm pigs, mind you. These were rabid, wild boars that drooled and charged at you. They had thick hide that was difficult to penetrate, and razor sharp tusks that could run a man over.

Still, XaXa felt bad at killing Wilbur the Pigs, and always cried into the shoulder of Johnny Black after he used this spot. XaXa loved Charlotte's Web, and doing anything to ruin that book really made him sad and depressed for a while.

Unfortunately, EXP was necessary in order to survive. He neatly sidestepped a charging boar ( _not Wilbur,_ he reminded himself) and slashed it across the exposed underbelly as it passed. Luckily, they died extremely easily if you hit its weak spot, making them an ideal farm monster.

With a heart wrenching roar, the pig fell, and XaXa knelt, making a cross-shaped gesture with his hand across his heart, giving it a proper send away before it ascended pig heaven, where it could hopefully find its true spider love. As he finished his ritual, his sharp ears picked up the rustling of leaves.

He quickly stood up, glaring in the direction of the sound. But anyone could tell his heart wasn't into the glaring. It was more like a weak look. XaXa just couldn't bring himself to be angry after the death of a pig. It usually took him up to two days to recover and return to his semi-edgy state.

"Come out," he called, though his voice seemed a lot squeakier than normal. Luckily, XaXa already knew what to expect. If he knew Rehi Kawahara or however the heck you spelled his name, it'd be some really cute girl with a ton of insecurities who didn't actually matter to the story. Who'd fall in love with him immediately. And because Laughing Coffin didn't have anything against dating, he'd soon find himself a girlfriend.

The first part of his prediction came to full flower. From behind a tree stepped a skinny girl who looked to be around sixteen, with long black hair dressed in a dark cloak. At her side hung a pair of daggers, though it was clear from the way she walked that she carried concealed daggers as well. It wasn't difficult to figure that out either. It's HARD carrying lethal weapons INSIDE your clothing.

"Ah." XaXa removed his mask and hood, and tried to smile. "Now that you have seen me mourn an animal, you must surely be falling in love with me." To her credit, the girl didn't respond in the slightest.

"Red-Eyed XaXa." The girl's neutral expression did not falter as she talked in an almost mechanical voice. "You are hereby charged with murder and blackmail on numerous counts, and are sentenced to death. I've been trailing you for some time, and you've led me straight to the Laughing Coffin base as well."

XaXa didn't seem to process her words accurately. "Oh man, so you fell in love with me even before I was all edgy and stuff?" He smiled joyfully. "Will you go out with me?!"

The girl shrugged. "Fine. But first, you have a date with these-" Without warning, two streaks of silver flashed in XaXa's peripheral vision, and he barely had time to dodge the flying knives and brace himself for the oncoming attack.

More blades flew at him, each one barely skimming his clothes. One of them ripped his black cloak, leaving a small scrape on his arm. XaXa felt obliged to say the classic protagonist line, "Darn, and I like those clothes too!" even though he was nowhere close to being a protagonist.

He knew however, that he had the upper hand. All dagger throwers faced one inherent weakness, the limited ammo. As XaXa danced around the blades, he knew that he was slowly inching closer and closer to draining the girl of her weaponry. There was no need to press her or attack. He just needed to wait. It wasn't too hard either. "C'mon honey!" XaXa laughed. "You aren't supposed to throw knives until we get into a fight!"

Eventually, the flashes of silver vanished, leaving a weaponless and defenseless girl before him.

"Now, then." XaXa smirked. "Would you go on a date with me?"

The girl frowned. "I believe you had a date with someone else first." What looked to be a small, white crystal appeared in her hand. "It isn't nice to turn your back to your date you know." The crystal began to glow, and some gut feeling told XaXa that he should really drop flat on the ground. He dropped flat on the ground as hundreds of knives whizzed over his head, cutting through the air.

All of them converged straight back into the hand of the girl. "Magnetism," the girl said, answering XaXa's astonished look. "The knives I throw can be pulled back to me at the same speed I throw them."

XaXa's jaw dropped. "SAO Laws of Physics please?" he complained. But if such a mechanic did work, that was utterly broken. The ability to not only _not run out of ammo, but to have daggers flying in both directions?_

"I don't think Kayaba thought this one out," he muttered.

For the first time since he met her, the girl smiled, although it seemed a lot scarier than he would have liked it to be. "You're absolutely right!"

XaXa had no choice but to approach her and go on the offensive. Else he'd eventually fall victim to ranged projectiles. His estoc flashed as he closed the distance in a heart, aiming directly at her heart. The girl dodged away, hurling two more knives which he dodged with ease.

They danced around the clearing, neither side able to land a single hit. XaXa growled in frustration. It seemed as if the girl had an agility level at least on par with his, if not higher. The girl didn't look too great either. She was out of breath, covered in light scratches where she had narrowly avoided his deadly weapon.

"At least tell me your name!" XaXa knew that it wasn't the ideal way to get to know someone, asking for a name in the middle of battle, but it might be effective. "I mean, you already know mine and all."

The girl narrowed her eyes. "I'll tell it to you if you survive my next attack."

"You seem to be making a lot of promises." XaXa grinned. "First the date, then this? How do I know you'll keep them?"

"I never break promises." Something very familiar appeared again in her hand.

 _Shit,_ thought XaXa. Unlike last time, the knives were scattered throughout the clearing on all sides, and he hadn't kept track of them like an idiot. He needed to stop her from attacking, else he'd die right her and then. Ducking wouldn't work this time either, since all the angles would most likely be covered. Was this the situation that the girl had been playing for all along? If so, then kudos to her. But he was too worried about his own life to think about that now.

If he recalled correctly, casting the magnetism required a momentary pause where the caster had to channel for a second or two. It was too small a window for him to stab her during that time. But…

As the crystal began glowing and the tiny window opened, XaXa readied himself and threw his estoc.

He never really practiced throwing his weapon, and it travelled a millisecond too slowly. Just as the crystal finished casting, the estoc stabbed her through the stomach. At the exact same times, knives rose up from all over the area and plunged themselves straight at XaXa. He lifted a hand to shield himself, knowing that it was too late to stop them.

But inches away from his hand, as if by magic, the knives stopped and fell to the ground. He would have pondered this seemingly miraculous experience when he remembered that the girl was currently bleeding to death.

He dashed forward only to find that half of her health bar was already gone. Desperately, he pulled his weapon from her stomach, but her health bar continued to deplete at an alarming rate. No health crystal would save her either. His estoc had an ability that applied grevious wounds to the target, negating all healing. An ability that he had cherished before, but despised now.

The girl stared blankly at XaXa for a second, before a small smile formed on her face. "The knives belong to you now. Anyone who defeats the owner of the crystal automatically gains control of it, which is why they didn't stab you." She stopped to cough up blood.

Her health bar had almost reached the one fourth mark. "Stop it1" cried XaXa frantically. "You're going to die! I need to get you help!" Blood began to flow freely from her mouth and wound.

The girl gave a half giggle, half cough. "Who knew a PKer could care about others? Maybe I wouldn't have minded going on a date with you after all."

XaXa felt something that he usually only experienced after killing a pig -sadness. Could a murderer cry? "You promised!" he screamed. "You promised that you'd go on a date with me! Keep that promise!" Her health bar dipped below twenty percent.

"I don't think I can do that. Sorry," she whispered. "But my name is _."

XaXa could only watch helplessly as her health bar began to reach the red. He felt something form in his eyes. Were those...tears? The girl slowly reached her hand out and touched his face gently, smiling.

He could only watch. There was nothing he could do...

"Wait I'm a fucking dumbass!" he cried suddenly, bolting up. Here take this!" he shoved a teleport crystal into her hand. "Go to a town! Doesn't matter which."

He saw the girl give him a strange look, but comply. In an instant, her body vanished, leaving no trace.

Of course, XaXa was orange so he couldn't follow. Nor did he have any desire to. For a long time, he just sat there, wondering if it had all just been a daydream. But the smooth, white crystal that he now held in his hands told him otherwise.

Exhausted emotionally and physically, XaXa felt his eyes close and the world faded.

He was awoken when what felt like a very heavy rock smash into his stomach. XaXa snapped awake and scrambled to his feet, scolding himself for leaving himself so vulnerable and searched for the attacker. When it became apparent that no one was trying to kill him, he yawned and called out.

From behind the trees stepped...

 **Now the real question is, do I make the person who steps out be Johnny Black telling him that dinner is ready, or the girl?**

 **No seriously. I'm really considering both right now. Tell me what you think.**

 **Also, I meant this to be a troll story that was part of the "SAO Memes fanfic" but this turned down a corner REAL quick. Holy wowzers. What the actual heck?**

 **I've always wanted knives like that btw.**

 **Also, new chapter of My other serious story is almost done. So yeah**


End file.
